So you think she needs an old-school-southern-style whoopin' but your spouse doesn't believe in spanking children.
You've been arguing about "What the heck a time-out even is" and you're about ready to send BOTH your baby girl AND your spouse back to Jesus!
What do you do when you were both raised in different cultures and have different views on parenting?
Lady XO here!
Now... because I'm not any kind of child psychology expert; I first have to say that these ideas and practices come from a place of personal opinion and experience only.
I'm just a mom/step-mom of 10 kids, youth pastor, and former teacher; therefore, would consider myself an experienced COACH at best!
But mostly, I'm just a friend sharing my story!
And before I continue...
It's important to look at this topic in two parts:
1) The Parenting Issue -
(What is agreeable punishment for my child for both spouses?)
2) The Marriage Issue -
(NOT allowing parenting to create marriage tensions and what to do if they occur)
Because there are two things happening here.
Your child needs discipline
You and your partner need an understanding
So, if you're reading this, then you've pretty much come to the conclusion that discipline is necessary for the prevention of little Columbine Killers, right?
Now you want to find a solution that makes sense to your blended family situation!
So first, we will talk about:
The Parenting Issue
I'll start with a personal testimony of my own.
In my blended family of 10, the question of how to discipline our kids came into play early on in our 14 year marriage.
Now, obviously because my husband was a single father when we met; it meant that my step children suffered from some form of abuse by their mother and were given to us to raise.
This had to be considered.
We'd realized early on, that we were going to have to become united and develop a different style to our own parenting.
Where my husband was more of a children-get-spanked-for-every-wrong type of daddy, much like his father before him.
I was more of the kind of kid who only needed to be lectured and maybe grounded.
"At least that's how my mom raised me and I came out just fine!"
(What I USED to say in our past arguments ☺️)
We came to THIS mutual understanding.
Each child responded differently to different disciplines, and no two kids are the same.
However as a parent we still had to discipline and treat each one the same, now, didn't we?
Kind of a touchy thing...
So we came up with a 3-level parenting type of approach.
Where each wrong-doing was given a level.
There were certain "unforgivable" acts that would gain the harshest punishment without question!
"Stealing, Bullying, Cursing, Skipping School, etc." would get you spanked, grounded, AND worked out! No questions asked, you get all 3 punishments.
Others, went through the levels.
Say for instance, one of my kids didn't do their chores.
The first time would be a level one punishment.
If they did the same thing a second time, they got a level 2 punishment and so on...
Which brings me to discuss the three levels:
Level One - Working Out
Now my husband is a 6'2", dread-headed, thick bearded, broad shouldered, deep-voiced, intimidating, PRESENSE of a man!
(And I love it... OMG)
But he can have a tendency to scare the little kiddies, without meaning to...
So he would often give the kids exercises like wall-sits, push-ups, running, etc. when they hit a level one offense.
So they didn't have to ALWAYS see daddy at his angriest and being physical with them.
Each offense was given a level which was discussed by me and my husband and ALWAYS carried out consistently.
Yours may differ, but for us...
We decided that level one offenses included things like: forgetting chores, failing progress reports, disturbances at home, etc.
Level Two - Grounding
This is self-explanatory.
But I would like to add that for kids with hyperactivity or attention problems, this is absolutely the most effective punishment to them!
In some cases my kids considered it a level 3 punishment
At one point in time, sifting through different techniques, my husband and I would ask my kids if they'd rather be grounded or take a spanking.
Believe it or not, they almost ALWAYS took the spanking.
Because it was over in a few minutes.
So of course; like the complete jerk parents that we pride ourselves in being, we did the opposite and grounded them!
(Just jokes people... But not really though 😃)
Level 3 - Old Fashioned Spanking
I tell you, this is naturally the most controversial punishment for all.
So before anyone gets too huffy with me, I urge you to seek this passage of scripture in the bible:
"He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him promptly"
Now, pay attention folks!
Because this isn't the first time that the bible refers to the word "rod" when talking about punishing children!
Check this out!
"The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother."
I am NOT...
Am ABSOLUTELY NOT saying that you should go find a stick and beat your kids with it!
(Although, I ain't gonna lie... I once beat my 19 year old nephew with a 2X4 for stealing my rent money, but technically he was grown, so that doesn't count)
But I DO need you to understand that in the times of the bible, that was quite LITERALLY what they used!
Times have most certainly changed since beating kids with sticks hallelujah!
So it's okay hunnay!
Calm your nerves!
A spanking with a belt isn't going to break your children.
It truly can be an awesome teacher of humility and wisdom!
So if you're one of those scared-to-disciple parents of an adorable little WalMart screamer,
Do the entire nation of parents like me,
Who didn't bring their couth to the Walmart that day,
A GINORMOUS favor,
Whoop their little BUTT already!
I promise you, none of us care...
Some of us might even clap!
Someone's black daddy and pacific-islander mama out there, might even do it for you! 👋🙋🏿♂️🙋🏻♀️😜
(Just sayin' 🤷🏻♀️)
(Lemme stop before y'all really think I am out here whooping other people's kids at the Walmart😂😜)
Seriously though, REAL parents aren't scared to be REAL parents.
And if you just can't be the parent to do it, one of you needs to be...
Which leads me to my next issue and topic...
The Marriage Issue
In interracial relationships; when one person doesn't agree with the others view on discipline, it's usually because of how each parent was raised when they were kids.
Since we take alot of our parenting do's and dont's from our own upbringing,
It's only natural that two different cultures will have two totally different parenting styles and it's not necessary to point out or argue over.
YOUR mama didn't raise you like this...
YOUR mama did it this way...
THEIR mama did it THIS way...
Nobody cares HOW your mama did it!
Do you realize that by the time YOUR kids turn into adults, a whole TWO decades (just about-18 years) will have passed!
That's a whole GENERATION!
Ya' think that maybe we live in a different world than OUR parents did?!
Or would you like to take the time out to GOOGLE why I'm right???
Think about that last statement...
If you're still looking for the irony in it, let me slow things down for you...
Our parents didn't HAVE GOOGLE!
Or cell phones, or free access to pornography, or HALF of the things these kids have nowadays!
With that being said, I think it's fair to say this...
Your mama's parenting problems and YOURS, my friend, are NOT THE SAME!
So give yourself a little credit in understanding that EVERY parent is a trailblazer because each generation comes with different, NEW & IMPROVED advances in ways for kids to get in trouble!
If you're struggling with WHO should be the disciplinarian and who shouldn't be.
The answer is that you both should be!
You have to be a united front!
Or your kids will play you against one another!
It's important to remember that you're a team and NOTHING will come between that.
Not even your kids...
When your kids move away, who will you be spending the rest of your life with?
Not that kids aren't important but you cannot let the pressures of parenting EVER come between the two of you!
Remember the team...
Never misconstrue the coaches for the players!
Make your own "playbook"!
Develop a new parenting style and stop trying to be like your parents before you!
If you've gotten this far in this article, then you're already an AWESOME parent simply because you care enough to seek insight on how to be an even better one.
And I'm proud of you for understanding that you are going to have differences in your blended family, and honored that you've read any of these words!
If they gave you any value, I urge you to like and share this with as many people you know!
As usual my Fam-Lei,
It's always a blessing to be in your thoughts!
Thank you for taking the time out to read mine...
I love you all!
Happy Wife, Nappy Life