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I come to you today a bit more sullen than usual...
If anyone is out there reading these blogs, please pray for me...
Sometimes marriage isn't just hard, it's downright TOXIC-feeling.
There are these "make or break" moments that you will come to that will test every shred of patience, loyalty and FAITH in God that you possess...
Times where you begin to wonder if the other person is the same person you said I DO to at all...
Times where you have to LITERALLY weigh the good and the bad and make a hard decision...
Do I stay or do I go?
I thought that I knew what my breaking point was...
The point in which I would say AUTOMATICALLY "I would leave if they did this ________ no questions asked."
But I suppose when "unconditional love" is a factor in your boundaries; your boundary lines change and the saying "Love knows no bounds" starts sounding like less of a fairytale notion.
THESE are the moments that truly define a marriage.
Or rather, how you overcome these moments.
And I want you to take notice at the word "moment" that I will repeat in this passage because it's important to understand that MARRIAGE is but a collection of MOMENTS shared with another special person.
You KNEW that there would be good moments and BAD moments upon sign-up...
Now, how BAD the moments are? Usually aren't written in the fine lines of the marriage contract...
Oftentimes we just expect that GOOD people won't treat us BADLY.
But even the BEST people have BAD moments. (Just ask Will... 😆)
And do we really think we can put a boundary up on how the DEVIL fights? Or how bad these moments can get?
Can a boxer go up in the ring and say, "Okay enemy, you aren't allowed to hit me in the face in this match"?
Ummm... No!
And the devil fights dirty... He is - "no holds barred"
I bring this up to make this point...
In marriage, you're going to have these no holds barred "fall out" fights and sometimes some can become "make or break" MOMENTS.
But just like a boxer in the ring, it's just a MOMENT. He doesn't live in the ring. He doesn't LIVE in the fight. Sometimes he wins, sometimes he loses but a boxer is ONLY given the title of CHAMPION because he has overcome the HARDEST fight of his life.
Against the toughest opponent.
You can lose a million fights and fight one CHAMP and become a champion.
But you can also WIN every fight and lose the ONE fight of your life and NEVER be given the title.
And in marriage, you can have a million small disagreements... (Leaving the seat up, who's that girl at your job?, I really don't like this meal, etc. you get the picture)
But when our spouse makes the biggest mistake of our marriage, (someone cheated, someone lost control, someone's got an addiction) we will WALK AWAY from a championship fight and the opportunity to become a CHAMPION in the face of our toughest battle?
See? It requires that you love that person WITHOUT conditions.
Two little words called "Unconditional Love" that get taken for granted...
Written in stories with BEAUTIFUL, romantic intention but never really visually explained.
Because you can't TRULY say you love someone UNconditionally unless you can say that there is NOTHING that person can say or do that would change the way that you LOVE them.
And THAT is the type of love that is required in marriage.
It's KNOWING they have a weakness and instead of shunning them for it, LOVING them THROUGH it.
The same way that caregivers in mentally handicapped or elderly homes have to care for their patients. They understand that they have an illness (weakness) and cannot control themselves at times. So they disregard the occasional name-calling and continue to a specialized treatment plan when their patients have outbursts, understanding it is a part of their job as a caregiver. They don't name call back. They don't charge it to their heart and they clock in to that job every day.
This is what "In sickness and health, for better or WORSE" looks like...
It looks like a veteran soldier with PTSD who has emotional outbursts and because his wife is ALWAYS there, he has nowhere to hide this imperfection and she has to deal with name calling and outbursts.
It looks like a new mother with postpartum depression, who's husband has to love her even when she refuses to get up and cook or clean or take a shower for that matter.
It looks like a husband with diabetes who has a surgery and because his blood pressure gets out of control, his wife and family have to deal with his newly-acquired anger issues.
It looks like a woman stained by childhood abuse who carelessly answers to aggressive behavior with her FISTS and her husband has to teach her loving submission through patient LOVE.
This. Shit. Is. HARD Fam-lei!
So why would ANYONE sign up for marriage?
And I answer........
Because it is BEAUTIFUL.
And it is REWARDING.
It is someone who loves your "dirty draws and all" as we say in the south.
It's that "50 First Dates" and "The Notebook" type of love.
If you've NEVER watched those movies, I suggest you do because I am about to really spoil it for you right now.
But think about it...
Those MOMENTS that I keep talking about in marriage?
They're depicted in these movies.
In "The Notebook" an elderly wife gets dimensia and can't even remember who she is most days. She is "brought back" to her reality ONLY at random moments and her husband spends every moment by her side reading her "Their Love Story" waiting for those brief moments when her dimensia goes away and she remembers SHE LOVES HIM.
He waits...
Perfect example of someone forgetting they love you at times and it takes the OTHER to remind them of their love, bring them back and keep their love alive...
Or in "50 First Dates" where Adam Sandler spends every new day making his wife fall in love with him all over again.
Sometimes she'd wake up throwing things at him... And he would have to prove his love to her every day...
THAT'S WHAT makes a marriage a marriage and not just a friendship.
It's CHOOSING to be that person's reminder of love when they're at their WORST moments.
When that person turns into someone you don't know, and you make the choice to LOVE THEM back to LIFE.
So.......
You're thinking...
But life is NOT a romance movie...
How do I get past this pain?
And I answer...
You fight fire with water, right?
So you fight PAIN with LOVE...
LOVE each other through it...
If actions speak louder than words, SHOW one another through your affections.
It's crazy how we will take the time out to DATE and put on our best selves if we LEFT that person, but the ONE person who knows us at our worst DOESN'T get our best selves???
We'd rather go out into the world and put on a SHOW for random strangers trying to FALL IN LOVE. Instead of trying to FALL BACK IN LOVE with someone who we don't have to put on a show for because they ALREADY know us?
Get dolled up for your husband girl!!! Go act like Marilyn Monroe and dye your hair and be somebody else for HIM instead...
And YOU sir! You don't like how your wife LOOKS? Go buy her some new boobs or a new outfit or take her out for a makeover and watch how she becomes FINER than them damn INSTAGRAM models you keep staring at on your phone!
FAM-LEI... Forgive my lack of filter but...
It's time to stop FUCKIN' AROUND.
Real talk...
Life is too short to keep throwing away lifelong memories and built dreams on FAILED MOMENTS...
Figure the shit out.
Go get counseling.
Whatever you got to do but keep fighting the GOOD fight...
Your marriage and ultimately your future depends on it...
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